eyes of love

Zari-breaks-up-with-Diamond-PLatnumzI think love and life have a weird way of fighting for attention in our lives that we almost end up missing on one of the other depending on what our preferences become. I still missed Amina but I was also disgracing her memory by making someone close to her crazy with passion for me. I tasted forbidden love and the sweetness was the hardest thing I have had to surrender in my life.

I went away to a distant relative in Kenya actually in the western region of the Country. Its beauty had drawn me closer with hope I would forget my past and at least try to be normal. Well, the thing with that is normal is relative to paranormal and no matter how we try to run from reality we can never escape our true selves. The heart wont let us be and love no matter how wrong always wins.

I locked myself indoors most of the time in this obscure flat down Amagoro town centre. The idea was to be foreign and lie low for whatever reason I needed cleansing for my sweet sins which kept me jovial all night. I wish I could take back the days where evil was justified, hidden but so sweet that I felt I was being unfair to me and my partner.

We would take turns in  igniting each others emotions and the kisses were like angel dust. I literally felt like in those eyes I would surrender my unconditional love for eternity. I would be ok if my burial ceremony was attended by one person but only that one that my heart was screaming for whenever I gazed at the window to oblivion.

She would stare back at me. I came to notice a girl whose name I later found out, Shamim would stare at me for whatever time my mind was in deririe. I think she also noticed the bulge on my pants when I went love hay wire and much more her eyes hid when mine said hello.

For some reason I really did not seem to care much because my lonely sessions had become sacred to me and I knew some part of me was different. Besides that she looked five  years or so younger than me. But her smile would send lucky flowers to my heart as if in consolation for my grief and her eyes somehow talked of someone who belonged to my world. To top it all she was Muslim, a fire I would dance to with pleasure.

Now wait a minute not the same shop we found ourselves in or the same compound lay ground for interaction of any kind, I was sullen as always and she was waiting for the right time I would man up or calm down.

Well I noticed she took to loud music whenever her folks were not around and I always brushed it as noise until one day she tuned loud Ugandan music by Juliana Kanyamozi who by the time was the big deal. I found myself at her doorstep.

Alluring paintings on the walls and African heritage decorations on the living room excited me. A giraffe drawing next to the fire oven made the place magical. It was simply a billionaire’s set up in a simple six bedroom apartment and then the music, our subject of discussion made it home for me.

The next few days witnessed drastic change between us from mere pep talks to hugs to cuddling and a smooch. It was this one Friday when we were cozy with each other just as we had gotten used to plus it was raining outside. I really don’t remember who started it but we began cuddling romantically and I accidentally got between her legs and sensed something strange.

I looked into her eyes as if to ask but I knew to better not. She noticed and looked at me deep in the eyes, “I am a transgender, as in a tranny and I… love you.” I looked through her eyes deep into her heart and I admit I had never seen such eyes of love…













The paint of love

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When you loose someone you love, it naturally takes time to heal. In other cases healing seems to be just impossible. This was exactly my case. I hallucinated a lot and really dropped in my grades. I wanted nothing if not to go where Amina was. Her name still made ferries come to life.

I could not end my frustrating life but I COULD BE CLOSE TO THE PEOPLE SHE WAS CLOSE TO and so as relief I occasionally paid my new family visits.  Its surprising to state although I was off to people who had known me before her like family I was the best cheer guy around Amina’s folks. Her grandma even played games with me.

I brought gifts like she used to when I was sick and I became closer to her  twin brother. She said she lost her mom shortly after her birth. Her dad had died a month before. Her and Abdi were close than a branch to a stem. I figured out the heart torn girly boy needed  a friend. They resembled and this was all the consolation I needed.

It took weeks before I started smiling with anyone from my family but it happened because of the book my new friend bought me,’ the spirit of life.’ I dont remember the author but the positivism I vowed to carry on to eternity. I lurked in the dark and found hope when I least  expected. I learnt to paint love.

Abdi was a painter. His craft had been perfected to my liking. I became his special subject of art. He would plead like a little girl which he indeed looked like. I pretended not impressed by his marvelous work but men I loved every bit of it especially my portrait collection.

We watched football together made fun of each other and at times even got bored together. I need mention, I had never been this close to another guy before. I thought of it as insane but he understood me and knew me more than I did myself. I got short tempered at times but to him it was just a blissful wind, nothing he couldn’t handle.

“I AM IN LOVE…” I trembled when this words came out of my lips. His eyes were fixated on  me but his gaze mischievous as always. “With God?” He asked. “I WISH.” He brought dinner and we had it in his room as had become the routine. I wanted to confess a lot of things and tell a lot of dreams I envisioned coming to reality. Was I crazy? My heart was but my  spirit was in the right place and that cooled me down I slept after reading him his favorite book. He was already a sleeping beauty.

Two weeks passed, we met at our favorite chilling spot on a Saturday.  My mind was relaxed I was already happy we would do painting the whole day. He was overjoyed seeing me. We hugged then he kissed my lips.I was surprised but I kissed back. My mind almost blew away. I looked into his eyes for a second and kissed again. He pulled out and asked if I was ready to paint. We were already painting love,I wanted do nothing else…

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The heart of love

“I dont know much but I love you,” she said.  “I know that I LOVE YOU and that is all I

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need to know.” We spoke from our hearts, Amina was my peace and I was that storm she loved. “Its time they know where I spend most of my time.” She was very right with this. I had intentionally avoided this but was I going to say no to her?

She set the date and I chose my best clad. I even recited the words to apologize. I even prepared myself psychologically on missing my best program. I guess we all make sacrifices at some point. I had never seen her so happy and it made me twice scared to be the one to kill that smile. We were young and probably out of our senses but our hearts were decided.

I met her cold eyes again by the gate-side to their palatial abode. Her aunt oh! it was really her.  I was almost escaping from my body itself but Amina kept on holding my hand almost squeezing my fingers. I knew she was scared too. Her aunt slapped me again but this time I almost retaliated. What was my crime?

She looked at me with pain I could not relate too, if anything I had never felt such before. Amina moved to my defense and started off with sighn language gestures. Her aunt was deaf but mean,I thought. If she thought that was enough to send me miles from this rare beauty she had something else coming. They kept the ‘private talk’ for some minutes while I was on the floor at least perceiving the scent of my chosen one.

I got up after what I saw was a smile across. Her aunt looked at me with a smile amidst flowing tears. I felt left out but everything brightened up when Amina looked at me again more relaxed and very beautiful. She closed her eyes and collapsed before me. I thought this was an act until she started forming from her mouth. I trembled with confusion. Luckily her aunt let me in the house as I assisted carrying her into the house.

My whole mode of a rational approach to issues was reduced to tear after tear from my eyes. I wish I had words to explain what this dark moment felt like but again I wish I could forget. I looked around her family, some her friends I supposed. No one could be her even for a second. I needed her to just open her eyes at least again.

“what is wrong with her?” those words just escaped my lips. I felt a chocking sensation on my throat and the sour taste on my lips turned to bitter. “SHE HAS SICKLE CELL ANEMIA… SHE IS GOING.” Halima her cousin told me. what would my world be without her?  Is it really true? Death does not need add other angels in heaven  because she cant go she never told me about this.

I waited, evening came without notice. I felt her hands grow cold thrust on mine but I assumed its the cold and so I gave her cover with my sweater. I sang her songs. I told some of her best stories. She was confirmed dead at 8:30 pm.

Amina may have wanted me to know her family that day or maybe she just wanted to say goodbye the best way she knew how. I had to see her going six feet under in that casket for me to finally believe it was over. She was a heart to love and she did leave me her family to love……..

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heart shaped pink and purple flower garden
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Every new beginning has a past on its tail. My first love was never to be mine and accepting that was a big weight on my shoulders. Life however has a funny trend of throwing us cards of luck or flowers when we least expect. My timeless love was a celebration of life, mine, hers and everyone around me. She reminded me how listen to love and believe its never really lost until its gone which she did.

I met her in a way I felt was scripted. I was off on an errand in the estate shop caring the whole world on my back. I look at myself now and reminisce back then its like magic has been happening. I had purchased the goods sort for and was heading on my way back to my sorry life when an angel opened my eyes to spectacular possibilities. I had tripped and almost fell were it not for Amina who saved me the humiliation of landing on the ground by offering her back for mine.

I had sunk so much in my nonsensical thoughts not caring to notice this art of creation facing me. She exhaled as if to writhe in pain and I admit my head riled for a moment but the minute her breath met my presence it gave me life. Her small eyes begged for mercy and never before had I been humbled by such an innocent face. I knew there was a story hidden by those Tutsi lips but whatever the price, I had to be part of it.

A piercing voice slapped me to reality commanding me off my angel. Oh is it the  devil? I thought the doors of paradise are open to eternity and immortality. I dragged myself to sober uprightness before checking on her oh special her. She wouldn’t hold my hand and thats when I saw two older women coming to her aid. I felt a sting of betrayal from her refusal of my help and for some reason I felt I know her. She was always there I just never noticed. I was about to apologize when a rude slap almost threw me off balance. I later got to learn that was her favorite aunt. The eyes that met me after that were bitter. My words could not wash the pain away.

On that night her diamond eyes kept calling me. I literally could not eat or rest. There was this music she had  stirred in my system whose beats were completely alien to me. Her aunts left without a word but her look of pain was something else I just did not understand. My next course of action was to be expected. She  was after all literally the girl in my dreams. I became a common face to the watchman Mbeleki and my feet a frequent visitor to the routes not forgetting strictly forbidden plantations. I took the risk then and if I had the chance to I”ll do it again.

Weeks went without number. I became scared watching them turn to months. I stopped counting with the weak hope of a miracle. I even reconnected with my religious path and worshiped Un comparatively. Oh seek the lord and all the other glamour shall follow you. It was one of those days I was from church that I saw her. She was with a small girl by her side and her beauty turned the roadside into a glorious scenery. She could turn any ocean into eyes with her smile. That was a mile to end wars and I wasn’t taking any chances on her whether my dad was present or not.

I reached to her almost short of breath from the running but with a will to make it worthwhile. Her moods changed since her eyes were now fixated on me  in disgust. I reached for her hand in vain. She drew back. I felt like as if she had plucked a page from my favorite book. I poured out my apology in an emotionally unstable way uncontrollably. My words danced from an honest sorry to a show of concern then to affection. She screamed, help! help! help! My church members close by became the rescuers, my dad among st them and that is when I noticed she was wearing a hijab. I fainted.

I had never seen the sun shine brighter in my room until this date. I was awake and she was in my room. If words could describe the immediate sensation  she brought to me trust me I would have married these words. She had cleared the air on my behalf and never had I seen her so terrified. She spoke judging better words had escaped my lips.

I was awake partially to hear her mention something about caring about me. A part of me felt I HAD BEEN DYING TO HEAR THESE WORDS. She spoke with sincerity and pure concern as I listened to her in the name of love. Every bit seemed too magical to be true. My sences were in the most relaxed state and if there were words to describe what I felt I  would have married them by the second. I flew in love and I could not hide it anymore.

“I just want to know you.” These words were a baby born out of love , they stopped her in her tracks. I had never been sure of anything such as these in my life. Whether it was the moment or not I had to repeat them again and again looking deep into her eyes like the first time. Her heart was gold and for anything I had become her first patient. I loved my parents for adjusting to her presence in the house and compromising with my state at the moment. My luck had just began.

She made it on time  day after day each day with a flower and a new song. In Uganda love music is the elixir to immortality. I learnt to laugh from the heart. She taught me how to cuddle and live life simply. I recovered sooner than expected but always cooked an excuse to have her around. Who could have blamed me she was my everything and nothing too.

Our relationship became a celebration of us and more to it I enjoyed it. One question still lingered in my mind, would her aunts have the same view of me like she had come to have…



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